How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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