Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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