I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
