He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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