Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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