I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
