Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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