I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
