Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
