I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
