Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
