you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
