I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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