Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
