that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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