Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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