OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
