Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
