Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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