and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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