Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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