Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize