Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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