After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Farmville is her only friend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
