i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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