Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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