If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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