I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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