I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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