Someone shit on the floor
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
