Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Jerry, you need to find god
Screwed.edu
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
