fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
