And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize