Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
