If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
