You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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