haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
