I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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