I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
