I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
As shirtless as possible
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You made out with two different species that night
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
