The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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