he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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