forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
