If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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