I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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