i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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