Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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