I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
