Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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