Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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