Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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