can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
