Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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