You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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