Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
