so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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