She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
