Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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