I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
